Dispatches from the Great D2A Hunt: Day 1

on May 4, 2008 3:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (1257) | TrackBacks (0)

After many weeks of waiting, the secret I needed to catch my prey finally arrived. The shiny plastic tokens represented the last hurdle before I was able to begin the quest that I will document for you, our loyal readership. Occasionally I will be able to provide photographic and video dispatches, but for my own safety, it will be necessary to limit myself to the written word in order to protect my location.

You see, I have been hunting the most elusive of electronic creatures, the Digital to Analog Television Converter Box. Not only that, but the game I seek is the most elusive known species, that which possesses a unique evolutionary trait, the "analog pass-through" with which I can use my television not only to watch DTV signals after next year's transition, but continue to watch the analog low-power TV that will remain, as well as play games on the classic (but analog) Nintendo Entertainment System. I You see, only 14 of the various species of D2A box have the pass-through, probably in the same way that a minority of humans are capable of running a sub 4 minute mile. I suspect that these represent a natural adaptation to environment passed down through natural selection. To capture one of these beats will require cunning, stealth, and above all, patience.

Day 1. Base Camp. From this location I can easily approach many of the habitats that the D2A box prefers. The latest research shows that they prefer the climate-controlled environment of big box ecosystems, but as greenhouse gas emissions cause global warming, the actions of the big boxes have hurt the environment for the D2As.

As I drove up and down the road, stopping to stalk my prey at various habitats such as Circuit City and Best Buy, not one of them had any population of the 14 that I could see. In fact, the D2A in this part of the world might as well be the Emperor Penguin on a tropical island. While the habitats were lush with flat screens, plasma, and Blu-Ray, only a few lonely packs of D2As, none with the strength I desired, grazed among the herd on the shelves, while merciless predators with slick plumage of Blue and Red collars prowled the aisles. To protect myself, I tried feign interest in a Series 3 TiVo despite their incompatibility with my cable company's VOD system.

Despite my best efforts at stealth, my camouflage was pierced...with one look too many at a plasma screen, I had the misfortune of attracting the dangerous gaze of the Big Box ecosystem's lion: the Bright Poloshirt. Dangerous, sharp-tounged and willful creatures, these predators will leave you penniless if you are not careful. Yet, today I was lucky. Each time, I was able to outrun them, escaping through the glass doors and out into the safe expanse of the parking lot.

Even after this terrifying setback, not all is lost. Although I am in the deepest, darkest exurban jungle, I can still communicate with the outside world using a primitive series of tubes. Calling out into the tubes, I have received intelligence that there is a small herd of Magnavox TB-100MG9's nearby, but they have sought shelter in the safe confines of a stockroom a few miles away, outside the reach of my magnetic-striped plastic coupons.

Tonight I will return to Camp, gather my strength, and start out on the hunt again tomorrow.